How much wood would a woodchuck chuck is a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Why is the woodchuck chucking wood?
Is it in the woodchuck’s nature to chuck wood?
Perhaps it is angry? Maddened by the assumption that it must take joy in chucking simple, stupid wood?
Meet woodchuck Dave, a local woodchuck of Harring County. Dave sits on a log every day and watches the other woodchucks across the road chuck wood mischievously at passing drivers. Mud trucks mostly, maybe a minivan, a trailer, full of peppy family campers on their way to some crummy campsite to get eaten by bugs and discover how much they still hate each other will pass by, singing old songs they don’t know the real lyrics to. Other woodchucks, they hate these people. Hate their metal monsters on wheels that speed through the road with no regard for the safety of woodchucks or any other woodland creature. Why, woodchuck Joe recently lost a cousin to a mud tuck, speeding down the road like an angel on fire, trying to get to heaven’s sacred pond. It smushed woodchuck Joe’s cousin, broke his neck and everything else. Then to make matters worse, a camper came thrashing by and flattened poor woodchuck Joe’s cousin ‘til he was nothing but a loose leaf piece of paper covered in fur.
These sorts of accidents happened all the time, and they angered woodchuck Dave just as much as the others, but still not enough to chuck wood at him, not even out of hate or anger. Woodchuck Dave had other things on his mind when he watched those funny-looking people pass by in their metal monsters on wheels. He thought about what it would be like to join them in their wrongly worded sing-alongs, eat their cold human snacks, hell, even pick at the little ones and glare out the window like he saw a lot of young female ones do. He was too preoccupied with dreams of being those people to chuck wood at them.
“Oh, what life would be like if I could leave this log, leave this road in the dust like so many of them metal monsters do, put Harring County behind me for good? It would be a great life. A great life.”
Unfortunately, woodchuck Dave never left that log. He stayed perched on the side of Harring County road and watched the other woodchucks chuck wood at happy, yet not so happy, passers-by. Woodchuck Dave liked to think they grew more and more sad with their lives as their journeys continued. But he knew deep down that even after the bugs had nipped them to death and they’d screamed at one another’ til their voices went, the passing humans hugged and gathered and loved. Woodchuck Dave knew he’d never have that, and it saddened him. So much so that he couldn’t even bring himself to chuck a piece of wood, not even for fun.
So how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
None. He’s too depressed.
